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to teresa.
(so for teresa, there is a journal full of all jess' favorite memories. it helped pouring her heart into this over the last few days. it helped to remember all the times she was loved and all the times she's had fun. she also includes teresa's favorite brand of alcohol, the first snack they ever shared together, and movies that are just happy to like help. fill up the space with noise. she also left a little drawing for david, but she gives it to teresa so teresa can decide how/if david ever gets it.
she's not sure what she'll tell him about what happened to her but she trusts an older sister to know. the drawing is a simple crayon drawing. jess is no artist, but it shows them- it shows the three of them, teresa, jess, and david, hanging out at the navy pier. a memory they all had. the words say she loves him very much and she was glad to have an awesome little brother like him.
other than these items, there is a camcorder. it has as much battery in it as will last. jess wishes she had someway to charge it but she was lucky enough to find the camcorder to begin with. she was gonna use it to record what was happening in this new chicago, but now she wants to use it to record. her goodbye. to teresa.
when the recording starts, it's clear she is in her room with a bottle of alcohol and tissues strewn off to the side. it's fine. )
So this is officially the hardest thing I have ever had to do. ( she wipes her face and then downs more of her bottle. ) I should probably start off with sorry. I know you've been worried about me- you are worried about me, and I gave you some excuses that might explain it, but- I couldn't tell you the truth.
What would you do if- if you knew I was dying in less than a week?
I know you. You'd kill yourself trying to stop it, and if you couldn't especially if you knew about it ahead of time, the guilt would- It'd be strong. You- you'll feel guilty anyway, I know.
Maybe I should have told you so you'd have a chance to say goodbye too. Maybe that's what you'll need. I don't know, but I'm trying to do right by you. I'm trying to pick you first instead of selfishly freaking out and losing myself in- ( in how she feels right now about it all. she scrubs her face with her hands. )
God, this is getting off track, huh?
I am trying to say I love you. I'm trying to say thank you for taking a chance on me. I felt like such a fuck up by the time you found me, but you accepted me as I was and you are the best friend that I have ever had. I have never felt more loved and wanted than when I was friends with you. Being a part of your family, I haven't- I haven't ever really wanted anything more than a family, and I got that.
I got it with you. ( her voice tightens- she gets choked up audibly, visibly, sliding a hand behind the back of her neck. she bites down on her lower lip. )
I am so happy I did.
And listen I know you. I know you're gonna push people away. You're gonna feel like- like you can't have another best friend, but you should. I want you too. I know that's a shitty thing to pull, because I'm not there feeling what you're feeling. I just want it. Please, try to remember to take care of yourself too. I- uhm. I left a drawing for David. I thought I should give something to him too, but if you don't think it'd be good for him, don't give it to him, okay? You're the big sister and guardian, and you would know best.
Btw, you're gonna be great at that. You're gonna be wonderful at that. I believe in you still. I know it's gonna be hard, but I also really believe, okay?
You're the most incredible person I have ever met. You love like no one else I have ever known. It's you, and it's unique, and you have so much of it to give. I feel so lucky that I- that I got to experience what that was like.
I really wanted to leave this whole thing on a somewhat positive note. I don't think I have that in me right now, but the rest of this tape? It's from the couple of days that I had with this camcorder before I knew-
Uhm. so it's just a record of a typical day in the life of me and us. You're in it a bunch of times and David too. So yeah, I love you. Pretend I said something super inspiring here. If you have a funeral, could you play God Only Knows by the Beach Boys as my song to everybody else? Cause I don't know what I'd be if not for all of you.
If not for you, T. But uhm, yeah, signing off. ( she has to wipe the tears away now and toss it into a basket. ) Bye.
she's not sure what she'll tell him about what happened to her but she trusts an older sister to know. the drawing is a simple crayon drawing. jess is no artist, but it shows them- it shows the three of them, teresa, jess, and david, hanging out at the navy pier. a memory they all had. the words say she loves him very much and she was glad to have an awesome little brother like him.
other than these items, there is a camcorder. it has as much battery in it as will last. jess wishes she had someway to charge it but she was lucky enough to find the camcorder to begin with. she was gonna use it to record what was happening in this new chicago, but now she wants to use it to record. her goodbye. to teresa.
when the recording starts, it's clear she is in her room with a bottle of alcohol and tissues strewn off to the side. it's fine. )
So this is officially the hardest thing I have ever had to do. ( she wipes her face and then downs more of her bottle. ) I should probably start off with sorry. I know you've been worried about me- you are worried about me, and I gave you some excuses that might explain it, but- I couldn't tell you the truth.
What would you do if- if you knew I was dying in less than a week?
I know you. You'd kill yourself trying to stop it, and if you couldn't especially if you knew about it ahead of time, the guilt would- It'd be strong. You- you'll feel guilty anyway, I know.
Maybe I should have told you so you'd have a chance to say goodbye too. Maybe that's what you'll need. I don't know, but I'm trying to do right by you. I'm trying to pick you first instead of selfishly freaking out and losing myself in- ( in how she feels right now about it all. she scrubs her face with her hands. )
God, this is getting off track, huh?
I am trying to say I love you. I'm trying to say thank you for taking a chance on me. I felt like such a fuck up by the time you found me, but you accepted me as I was and you are the best friend that I have ever had. I have never felt more loved and wanted than when I was friends with you. Being a part of your family, I haven't- I haven't ever really wanted anything more than a family, and I got that.
I got it with you. ( her voice tightens- she gets choked up audibly, visibly, sliding a hand behind the back of her neck. she bites down on her lower lip. )
I am so happy I did.
And listen I know you. I know you're gonna push people away. You're gonna feel like- like you can't have another best friend, but you should. I want you too. I know that's a shitty thing to pull, because I'm not there feeling what you're feeling. I just want it. Please, try to remember to take care of yourself too. I- uhm. I left a drawing for David. I thought I should give something to him too, but if you don't think it'd be good for him, don't give it to him, okay? You're the big sister and guardian, and you would know best.
Btw, you're gonna be great at that. You're gonna be wonderful at that. I believe in you still. I know it's gonna be hard, but I also really believe, okay?
You're the most incredible person I have ever met. You love like no one else I have ever known. It's you, and it's unique, and you have so much of it to give. I feel so lucky that I- that I got to experience what that was like.
I really wanted to leave this whole thing on a somewhat positive note. I don't think I have that in me right now, but the rest of this tape? It's from the couple of days that I had with this camcorder before I knew-
Uhm. so it's just a record of a typical day in the life of me and us. You're in it a bunch of times and David too. So yeah, I love you. Pretend I said something super inspiring here. If you have a funeral, could you play God Only Knows by the Beach Boys as my song to everybody else? Cause I don't know what I'd be if not for all of you.
If not for you, T. But uhm, yeah, signing off. ( she has to wipe the tears away now and toss it into a basket. ) Bye.